Inauguration Menu by George R. Wolfe • Angels Flight • literary west

What does Donald Trump’s inaugural dinner reveal? We’ve obtained the top-secret menu and offer it up as an additional excerpt from THE POLITICAL COOKBOOK: A Compendium of American Dishes. Spoiler Alert: Misogyny Soup will be served.

THE TRUMP INAUGURATION DINNER

Each president ushers in his administration in a food-centric way that often indicates his values or in some other way signals his personality.

Jefferson generally preferred simple egalitarian fare, but had a penchant for anything French. Post-WW II administrations, over a couple of relatively prosperous decades, expanded the number of inaugural dinners and galas. Jimmy Carter turned down all the pomp and circumstance in favor of small, homey gatherings that served peanuts, pretzels and beer. Obama’s menu strategically tied itself to the Midwestern fare of Abraham Lincoln’s roots. And now there’s Trump.

What does Donald Trump’s five-course inaugural dinner menu reveal? Search no further. We’ve obtained the top-secret menu and submit a summary to you here as an additional excerpt from THE POLITICAL COOKBOOK: A Compendium of American Dishes.
— Chef George R. Wolfe

MENU

~ DRINKS & COCKTAILS ~
~ FIRST COURSE: APPETIZERS ~
~ SECOND COURSE: SOUPS ~
~ THIRD COURSE: SALADS ~
~ FOURTH COURSE: ENTREES ~
~ FIFTH COURSE: DESSERTS & COFFEES ~

***

~ DRINKS & COCKTAILS ~

Douches d’or Champagne, served in Kristallnacht glassware

The drink of the night will be a classic: champagne from the exclusive douches d’or vineyard, served in reconstituted glassware made from 100%-certified glass gathered from crystal night. The glassware will be exquisitely presented on a wafer-thin plate of high-tariffed china.

{by Ottmar Liebert and George Wolfe}

Martini Amerika

A fitting choice for government that’s shaken, not stirred. Kompromatov vodka with vermouth in a classic martini cocktail glass, garnished with a green olive (olive branch optional).

Margarita Exportado

The classic Tex-Mex favorite, but without the Mex. This tequila-based drink is served with Cointreau Le Pen and thin-skinned key limes. The tequila is paid for by taxpayers (and, later, to be reimbursed by the government of Mexico).

Negroni Dixieland

If you liked the cotton gin, you’ll love this Jim Crow-era drink with Southern charm. The aperitif is comprised of gin, vermouth, compari — add slice of orange to bring out the bitter fruit.

The Don’s Last Word

This re-envisioned classic cocktail features maraschino liqueur and green Chartreuse and lime juice. Though a green hue, it’s all the rage in the red states. Comes with $5 bills folded into the shape of drink umbrellas.

Good Old-Fashioned Boy

This robust bourbon spirit is guaranteed to return you to the glory days. Muddled sweets combine with ample supplies of bitterness to signal the new unpredictability. Twist the knife and add the citrus rind.

***

~ FIRST COURSE: APPETIZERS ~

Golden Caviar

In this decadent amuse bouche, teaspoons of sturgeon caviar have been scooped from the depths of the Volga River and dipped in 24-karat gold. The caviar is soaked in champagne, includes a splash of balsamic vinegar and is served with leeks, either wiki or plain.

Fried Trumplings

Dumplings showered with a glazed orange marmalade sauce.

{by George Wing & George Wolfe}

Rust Belt Peppers

An upper-Midwest delicacy—disenfranchised elements stuffed with malice, rancor and spite.

{by David Salper & George Wolfe}

Stuffed Mushroom Clouds a la Trump

A contentious dish of uniquely American horrors d’oeuvre in the making.

{by David Salper & George Wolfe}

***

~ SECOND COURSE: SOUPS ~

Ukrainian Borscht

This classic Russian soup, made in the Crimea and featuring the core elements of beets, carrots, onions, cabbage, potatoes and kidney beans, is served with a dollop of Manafort sour cream and Tillerson breadsticks.

Misogyny Soup

This long-simmering dish somehow never fails to entice with its tempting aromas and tantalizing flavors.

***

~ THIRD COURSE: SALADS ~

Presidential Word Salad

An eclectic mixture that includes tangential snippets tossed with neo-rational processed thoughts, jellied egos, unabashed and uncured narcissism. All on a bed of obfuscation, with smidgens of deception, a hint of outright lies and a couple drops of recklessness.

Salada de Nepotisme, with Russian Dressing

A bold delight for the whole extended family. The more the merrier. Heirloom tomatoes and Hail Caesar romaine salad are served with a debased and unscrupulous sauce, with toasted Mnuchins on top.

***

~ FOURTH COURSE: ENTREES ~

Roasted Lame Duck

This nod to the outgoing administration is seasoned with orange, ginger and garlic. All innards were removed and used for the Democrats’ Humble Pie (see Desserts). Served with honey-baked plantains, repealed.

Langue de Journaliste

Tongue of journalist is quickly shaping up to be a new D.C. favorite, given the president’s hypersensitivity to criticism and dissent. Served with squash.

Roasted Trump Steak Tartare
with Demagoguegorgonzola Sauce

This regional Wisconsin dish is sometimes known as the “cannibal sandwich.” Served with half-baked ideas, the raw and bloody masses are served with onions, capers and a dash of demagoguegorgonzola sauce.

{by Jeffrey Tipton & George Wolfe}

***

~ FIFTH COURSE: DESSERTS & COFFEES ~

Democrats’ Humble Pie

This steaming-hot treat of viscera and mincemeats will be made available for the Democrats in attendance to eat.

Devil’s Food Cake, with 18-karat gold leaf trim

Gala revelers can truly embrace their unbridled dark side with this ultra-rich cake. Any way you slice it, this chocolate-upon-chocolate decadent concoction speaks to our over-the-top, haves-and-havenots zeitgeist.

Cappuccino, sprinkled with white diamonds

Steamed foam shaped to form an elephant, topped with the shimmering dust of white diamonds.

***

George R. Wolfe lives in Los Angeles and has worked stints as a copywriter, journalist, playwright, novelist and screenwriter. He founded The LaLa Times, a California satire website, dubbed “The Onion for L.A.” He also founded the nonprofit L.A. River Expeditions, which runs kayak tours on the L.A. River.

Thanks to the following individuals for their ideation and written contributions to this compendium: Thea Mercouffer, Daniel Sussman, Leigh Harris, George Wing, David Salper, Jeffrey Tipton, Lori Schneide, Josh/Kellie/Venice Hartwell, Boni Peluso and Jonas Goodman. Thanks to Shilpa Agarwal for her editorial work and connection to Angels Flight • literary west. Many thanks to all who contributed!

Readers and writers are invited to suggest their own inventive dishes for THE POLITICAL COOKBOOK on the Rock the Boat Collective Facebook page.