A holiday toast to fighting the good fight. Get a taste of THE POLITICAL COOKBOOK: A Compendium of American Dishes by humorist George R. Wolfe. First, we whet your appetite with satirical cocktails and hors d’oeuvres. Then, main dishes and desserts. Vive la Revolution!
INTRODUCTION
What key elements create the quintessential American political cuisine? The Modern American palate is an acquired one that is unique among the major lineages of the gastronomic world. Only a bit over 200 years old, it has evolved from the ramshackle cottages of early New England to all those amber waves of the Midwest to the skyscrapers that sit atop San Francisco Bay.
Regardless of the relatively young age of the country, its ambitious people are a hungry lot, so naturally food plays a key role. Theirs is an insatiable appetite. In particular, regarding this appetite we will focus upon the confluence of where this great American story meets the curious events of the end of 2016 and beyond.
What, then, shall the reader find herein? We have scoured the nation in search of dishes and recipes that contain the spirit of our times. We have sought out the most flavorful regional dishes and the most outlandish herbs and spices to form this sampling of the Modern American character. The dishes we’ve chosen stem from the major strains of political parties, and across racial and ethnic lines.
So let us say grace: Grant us, for the sake of a more perfect Union and with the perennial intent of our Founders, the ability to somehow listen to one another and get past this acrid, contentious and divided period of our history.
Plus, take a peek at the top-secret Inauguration Menu. Spoiler Alert: Misogyny Soup will be served.
— Chef George R. Wolfe
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Drinks & cocktails
Appetizers, Hors d’Oeuvres & Salads
Main Dishes
Desserts
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Drinks & Cocktails
Moscow Fool
DESCRIPTION: Very useful drink. Nix lime, try a wedge of orange Julian Assange. Serve in a gilded Trump mug with sprinkled kremlins.
INGREDIENTS:
2 oz Vladimir vodka
4-6 oz ginger beer
a wedge of orange Julian Assange
1 gilded Trump mug
1 handful kremlins
ice
DIRECTIONS: With a chilled, golden Trump mug, take the orange Julian Assange wedge and use it to split the American population. Add the Vlad and a couple of ice cubes for chilly relations. Add the ginger beer. Use a rod to stir up gullible American masses. Toss a few kremlins on top.
RECIPE BY: George Wolfe
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Cosmopolitan Elite
DESCRIPTION: This fruity, sour drink is a favorite among bicoastal liberals. Garnish with blinders.
INGREDIENTS:
1 establishment Democratic party candidate
1 Independent candidate
1 anti-establishment “Republican” candidate
6 seasons “Sex and the City”
2 oz Lame Duck vodka
½ oz Cointreau liqueur
1 oz cranberry juice
1 oz lime juice
ice, cubed
1 Lemon peel
1 match
1 pair blinders
DIRECTIONS: Marinate your mind by watching all seasons of “Sex and the City.” Chill with a Martini glass until an exciting populist Independent runs against your candidate in the primaries. Remove the contender and set aside for good. Chill again, until an insane populist quasi-Republican candidate runs against your candidate in the generals. Add all ingredients to cocktail strainer and shake vigorously; then use the strainer to filter out all news not that’s not from the The New York Times. Take the lemon peel squeeze over the glass as you light the released oil with the match. A flame will settle on the surface of the drink. As you enjoy your drink, use blinders to shun half the country.
RECIPE BY: George Wolfe
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Smoothie Supreme
DESCRIPTION: Here’s a quick way to quench your thirst and subvert justice at the same time.
INGREDIENTS:
2 justices
1 rotten tomato
DIRECTIONS: Take one Supreme Court. Remove one justice. Set a blender on Obstruct and run it for roughly a year. Add a rotten tomato. Add another justice. Set to Pulverize, then mix until it achieves a thick, 100% conservative firmness.
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Appetizers, Hors d’Oeuvres & Salads
Tossed Democracy Salad
DESCRIPTION: This dish is great for certain types of parties and makes use of disparate elements carefully honed over two centuries to create a surprising modern spin on the traditional American cuisine.
INGREDIENTS:
3 branches of government
1 cup bile
½ cup dried canker blossoms
1 tbsp. mendacity
1 tsp. smoked chicanery
1 dozen salted cronies
DIRECTIONS: Take three branches of government and shake vigorously. Marinate in bile, add the vitriol and a dash of mendacity. Set aside. Place the cronies in a pot and turn up the heat. When it reaches a boil, add the canker blossoms, let simmer. Periodically test the blossoms — they’re ready when they develop a bitter taste. Add them to the dish and enjoy the unsavory flavor.
RECIPE BY: George Wolfe
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Skewered Donkey Kabobs
DESCRIPTION: This gamey dish isn’t for everyone, but it’s a regional favorite.
INGREDIENTS:
1 donkey
3 bunches sour grapes
6 artichokes
Milquetoast and naiveté to taste
DIRECTIONS: After dressing down and cutting up the donkey into manageable portions, and having skewered and lambasted it over an open fire pit, serve with creamed dems and artichokes. Adorn with sour grapes on the side and add liberal portions of milquetoast and well-meaning naiveté.
RECIPE BY: Lori Shapiro & George Wolfe
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Electoral College Stew
DESCRIPTION: This bittersweet concoction is great in concept but a real mess in execution. A movement is underway to 86 this from the books.
INGREDIENTS:
1 population
50 states
1 heaping, small state bias
3 million popular votes
270 Electoral Votes
538 Electors
DIRECTIONS: Take half of the eligible voters. Throw away the eligible non-voting half of the population. Set aside the remaining eligible voters. Take the 50 states and add a bunch of small state, low-density bias until only a handful of swing states remain. Let the remaining eligible voters vote. Set the outcome to 270 votes. Discard roughly 3 million voters in large state, high-density areas. When you reach 270, turn off the TV and go to bed. Your president-elect should be ready by morning. A month later, gather the state electors. Throw out the original founders’ intent to think independently and with the most refined intellectual discernment, and simply rubber stamp the president-elect. Your president is now done. Keep under wraps until inauguration, then serve the people.
RECIPE BY: George Wolfe
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Main Dishes
Foie gras populiste d’Amérique
DESCRIPTION: A populist American goose force-fed with nationalism and cooked with a cup of xenophobia. Served with antipathy salad sprinkled with partisan cheese.
INGREDIENTS:
1 goose
1 cup xenophobia
1 cup Macedonian fake news
1 cup American media (be sure to remove spines)
Promises and lies, to taste
Antipathy salad
Partisan cheese
DIRECTIONS: Select a big American goose and prepare to cook it. Force feed with extreme ideas related to nativism, racism, xenophobia, bigotry, misogyny, government corruption, Islamophobia, loss of gun rights, healthcare misinformation, random lies and fears. Throw in a bunch of promises that will never be kept or which people will forget. Chase it with a gallon of Macedonian fake news; add copious amounts of shallow, spineless American media reporting to create engorged ratings. Cook the goose. Combine portions of foie gras mixture and blend with butter in a food processor until creamy. Serve with water crackers and antipathy salad sprinkled with partisan cheese.
RECIPE BY: George Wolfe & the Hartwells
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Maison Blanche Jambalaya
DESCRIPTION: A favorite of Cajun/Creole cuisine, famous in the South, is sure to make your taste buds great again.
INGREDIENTS:
1 gal. swamp water
2 stalks swamp cabbage
2 tbsp. of KKK seasoning
a pinch of cretins
2 cups of Louisiana bayou shrimp
1 fillet of whitefish
3 alligator tears
½ tsp. draconian hot sauce
DIRECTIONS: In a sauté pan, add some olive oil and heat up the swamp water and dump in the swamp cabbage. Add onions, celery, peppers, shrimp and rice. Add the whitefish and cretins, then top it all off with some KKK seasoning, several drops of alligator tears and the draconian hot sauce.
RECIPE BY: George Wolfe
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Deep Fried Constitution
DESCRIPTION: A hearty dish, popular among deep-fry enthusiasts.
INGREDIENTS:
1 mature Constitution
Assorted vegetables
A sprig of greed
DIRECTIONS: Take a mature constitution and dismember it by section and/or article. Deep-fry those elements until unrecognizable. Serve with blanched vegetables and garnish with greed.
RECIPE BY: Jonas Goodman & George Wolfe
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Grilled Eagle
DESCRIPTION: A quintessential American tradition — the next best thing to tarring and feathering.
INGREDIENTS:
1 bald eagle
2 cups water
1 basket, deplorables
1 lemon
DIRECTIONS: Take the eagle and pluck it all. Set aside. In a pot, add water and deplorables. Boil, then pat dry. Take the eagle and grill the shit out of it. Dress the bird with a slice of lemon and a dash of bigotry.
RECIPE BY: George Wolfe
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Desserts
Republican Upside-Down Cake
DESCRIPTION: This topsy-turvy dessert is perfect for an out-of-control party.
INGREDIENTS:
1 establishment party
1 anti-establishment party
DIRECTIONS: Separate the ingredients into equal parts establishment and anti-establishment parties. Whisk for 1 ½ years until a winner rises to the top. Then mix both parts together again. Put it all in the oven and keep a close eye on it — watch it simmer and fester. Look for signs of unraveling. Be careful it doesn’t explode in the oven … or burn the house down.
RECIPE BY: Jeffrey Tipton & George Wolfe
Flambé démocratique
DESCRIPTION: Impress your guests with a dramatic flambé.
INGREDIENTS:
1 party
1 cup misogyny
1 cup racism
1 cup voter fraud
1 cup perceived elitism
3 cups media manipulation
1 tbsp. Blue State bubbly
1 White Russian
1 bomb, Comey
DIRECTIONS: Take a well-functioning party. Add a cup each of misogyny, racism. perceived elitism and voter fraud, and 3 cups of media manipulation. Mix with some Blue State bubbly. Add a White Russian and a Comey bomb. Light it up. Burn it down. Reconstitute party from scratch.
RECIPE BY: George Wolfe
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THE POLITICAL COOKBOOK: A Compendium of American Dishes is a product of Author & Chef, George R. Wolfe, and the Rock the Boat Collective © 2016; ROCK THE BOAT – THE LA RIVER EXPEDITION LLC
George R. Wolfe lives in Los Angeles and has worked stints as a copywriter, journalist, playwright, novelist and screenwriter. He founded The LaLa Times, a California satire website, dubbed “The Onion for L.A.” He also founded the nonprofit L.A. River Expeditions, which runs kayak tours on the L.A. River.
Thanks to the following individuals for their ideation and written contributions to this compendium: Thea Mercouffer, Daniel Sussman, Leigh Harris, George Wing, David Salper, Jeffrey Tipton, Lori Schneide, Josh/Kellie/Venice Hartwell, Boni Peluso and Jonas Goodman. Thanks to Shilpa Agarwal for her editorial work and connection to Angels Flight • literary west. Many thanks to all who contributed!
Readers and writers are invited to suggest their own inventive dishes for THE POLITICAL COOKBOOK on the Rock the Boat Collective Facebook page.
“Recipe Box” created by Dave Kessler Design